Saturday, 6 April 2013

How To Escape My Heart

They say you stopped growing early on, but my body wanted to hold you and keep you safe for as long as possible. Sadly, you had to leave....

On Friday 22nd March 2013, I discovered I was six weeks pregnant. To say it was an unexpected surprise is an understatement. In less than ten seconds, my entire future flashed before my eyes, and it was perfect. It is not the same as your life flashing before your eyes; that means everything you've ever done crosses your mind before you say goodbye. No, this is different. This is where you see everything mapped out in front of you; waving your child off to their first day at school, then their first job. Chasing off their first boyfriend or girlfriend because they're just not good enough. All this flashed before my eyes before I was saying hello. I saw a GREAT future. Was I scared? Very. Life isn't always easy, and I choose to do most of it alone. Why? Well, that's a whole other blog. The excitement I felt once I got over the shock was immense. I couldn't stop smiling, I wanted the first three months to pass as quickly as possible so I could tell everyone.

By Tuesday the 26th of March, I was telling people I was losing my baby because I needed their help. I was only six weeks pregnant, but I felt like I had lost a child. The emotional pain was incredible. It was on Monday I knew something wasn't right. I woke up and made an immediate appointment with the doctor who sent me straight off for a blood test to confirm I was actually pregnant. I tried so hard to remain positive, and not to worry, because I had already planned my life with a new addition. How could I possibly undo that? How could I un-think all those beautiful thoughts and images? How could I undo the excitement? On Tuesday morning, I couldn't stand the wait or the increasing pain. In my heart, I already knew what was happening, but I went through the early morning routine as though nothing was happening. I needed to pretend nothing was wrong for the sake of Charlie and Harry, my boys. They didn't even know I was pregnant.

On the way to school that morning, I made a decision to head to the hospital. I was scared and confused, but I knew. I cried at the desk as I explained my situation. I had tests and was sent to the surgical assessment ward. By that time I was losing a lot of blood, and all they had to do was confirm my worst fears. I was broken. The dear, sweet nurse held my hand as I cried, then hugged me and brought me a cup of tea. The doctor expressed his condolences as I sobbed for my lost baby.

I walked out of that hospital wondering what I could possibly have done wrong the past few weeks. Or was it something I was being punished for by a God I don't think I believe in. Yet, I pray daily. I pray as I drive my car to keep us safe, I pray for my kids to have a good day at school, and I pray for my friends and their children to keep them healthy. I cannot possibly be being punished. Or can I? I make poor choices sometimes, I speak out of turn in haste. I have done enough for people to wish me bad karma. Am I a bad person? No, I am not. Something went very wrong and I do not know how to fix it. It has been just under two weeks since I lost my baby, but although I am very positive of mind this week, I fear the dark moments in my heart. How do I escape those feelings, how do I escape the guilt and the pain? I am so blessed to have my twin boys. They are eleven and my whole life. I consider them to be a miracle, and it took five years for me to fall pregnant with them. Over eleven years to fall pregnant this time. It was my other miracle and it was taken from me, and I don't understand why. So many questions, yet I am resolute that what will be, will be. I don't look at babies and feel sad or angry, instead I look and smile. Last weekend I went shopping with my mum, and saw the cutest baby clothes. What should have reduced me to tears filled me with hope. I hurt so much I could explode. I feel angry that I lost something so precious, but above all that, I feel like I was given a chance to know that the body I thought did not work, in fact does. I'm not broken physically, it is unfortunate that in learning this, I have been broken emotionally. 

What have I learned from this? Well, I think it is that I am stronger than I ever realised or thought possible. I have learned that no matter the choices I have made or continue to make, I do not regret a single choice. I am not a woman with a life of regrets, merely some 'if only' moments. I live my life with love and a full heart. I can't escape that. I don't want to. I know that if I am blessed again, I will be just as shocked, just as surprised, but I will see my future set out before me again, and I will embrace it.

I don't know if I'm writing this for me or for you. A cathartic exercise, perhaps? It's the second time I've written, and I didn't post the first for fear of hurting myself or your daddy. We're going to plant a tree for you and although we never got to name you, daddy picked a name if you were a boy. I had one if you were a girl. I'm going to plant the most beautiful tree and I will dedicate it to the memory of you that we should have had. I miss you so much already and I never even got to meet you. Maybe I miss the memory of the future I made for us. Wherever you are, I hope you get to grow, and one day I can meet you and tell you all the things I would have if you had been here. I love you.

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